I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down