Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.