HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!