Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever