If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.