girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
🤣✨#caturday
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.