My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?