I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
do u think theres a butter planet?
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
oppen heimer style lol
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.