In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.