thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Green is just blue that someone peed in
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
SPLOOT