Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
men, we mow at sunrise.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Put my back out twerking in the library again
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good