All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
He took my last fry, your honor
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon