Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad