me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road