[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.