Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.