High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.