Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?