me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not