getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals