I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.