What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things