They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.