hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap