There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.