I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?