a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”