I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.