Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
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take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting