He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
middle school in the ’90s
