me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs