When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more