8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!