I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.