if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.