true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
This checks out
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.