How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.