Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with