If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.