… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Okay me first
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday