Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
There is no try. There is only give up.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares