Cinematography is my passion
Did my cat write this
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.