I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*