The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.