There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…