I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
[eulogy]
line?
I’d love this…lol