Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.