I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience