I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
*puts my mental health in rice
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave