Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]