assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.