[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call