just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?