*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
how to market bottled water to dads
I’m putting together a team
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
sugar glider wrangler
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.