We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.