Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said