me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
BRAKING NEWS!!
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding