The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Writing, She Murdered.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
sin harder.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
PARKOUR
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me