Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
BRAKING NEWS!!
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Writing, She Murdered.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”